Falling Out of Love

It had hit me lately: I have grown up, a lot! I can, confidently, call myself an emotionally mature woman. Or am I not? I am mature enough to turn down a relationship because I cannot find happiness in it. I am mature enough to stop a tsunami of negativity heading towards me and foresee the aftermath before it happens. I have preferred being on my own than being with someone just for the sake of a relationship.

I always believed that there’s a fine line between falling in love with someone and falling in love with the relationship. However what my recent experience taught me is that if you don’t fall in love with the relationship, you’d inevitably fall OUT of love with the person.

The amount of courage it took me to realize that I’m not happy and something had to change, the number of conversations with myself I had in the car about it, the hours and hours of thinking and emotionally draining to find a solution for that sad relationship and at the end it was a crystal clear realization: I’m better off without him; I’m turning down a relationship and all the emotional and physical perks that come with it and choosing to be on my own having the ability and the freedom to dream of a better tomorrow.

Along with that revelation came a lot of decisions which made me closer to me! I understand myself better now and I can decide what I want from a relationship. Here are some, for your reference:

• Love should be given and not begged. Playing the victim in a relationship who is not getting the care and love he/she needs, is not going to get you anywhere. You shouldn’t beg to be loved, you’re loved for who you are.

• Fall in love with your best friend, or befriend your lover: depends on which phase comes first. And the key component to friendship is sharing. Not sharing your life with the one you love means he/she is not part of it. End of story.

• Not turning the other into a horrible nagging bitch is merely your responsibility.

I think one day, maybe soon, I’ll revisit this post and deny it’s me who claimed maturity. It will be the day when I fall in love again hoping not to fall out of it!

Kisses aren't contracts

"And you begin to learn
That kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of a woman
Not the grief of a child"

Veronica A. Shoffstall

Kisses are fascinating! we tend to crave them, need them, want them, nay perhaps even to some extremes expire, with or without them. What is the kiss of death, when a gorgeous Russian spy feels sympathy to the tortured soldier, kisses him and gives him that capsule where his misery may end.

or the kiss of life, a paramedic, pursing his lips to those of a passed out patient..

It's not those kisses that give me life or death.. It's the kiss when I feel the urge to bite, and then nibble, and when I gasp because of his kiss or a bite on a lower lip or chin, or neck or a tender perked up nipple..and then the kisses and nibbles to the waist or hip, you know that little mound of protrusion called the hip bone.

To be kissed by a good kisser is memorable, the moment when you separate and you cannot open your eyes, your legs hold you no more and just in case you are not so incapacitated, your head is spinning in a way a merry-go-round can't do.

He kissed me and I wanted to go on, not that it was amazing, but that it gave me life. I was, metaphorically, back! It is not arrogance but I do know the potent power of my kisses. whether it's delicate or rough, whether you bruise my lips with the force of your mouth, at times busting them, whether they swell because of the heat of the moment, the hour. It also includes the powerful flick of my tongue, whether to let it roam or lend it to be sucked, whether to be bitten or letting it wander across a cheek bone or rise to an ear lobe .. all those things that I may have forgotten.

So, when he asked for a kiss, I could not but obey.. and when I wanted more, he could not deny his desire, not by the kisses nor wanting to touch me, to feel my skin, nuzzle my hair and wrap his arm around my waist.

Though I crave it, enjoy it, want it, I have to say, nothing is more amazing than the kisses of love

For what is love if not when two souls meet through the taste and delight of a burning kiss from lips divine. What is a kiss?

Now there are a couple of more that I need to taste or perhaps they ache to taste my lips

The Confusing Threesome

3 men in my life and god what a frickin nightmare.

This is the update right now...

Man No 1
I have realised that the man I dated at the end of the year was the straw that broke the back. He made me snap. It was not him persay. It was just unfortunate that he was the one who was with me at that time. His selfishness, ego, childishness, wanting to not be in a relationship just made me snap. I fell for him more than I should have but you can't help when you go mental.

However, he is an idiot and when he talks above me and others I get severely irritated. But that doesn't stop my mind being jealous now that he is going with a new girl. He is besotted with her and its evident. They are good together. They are both children and they are both silly. I could never be like that and my head knows that but that doesn't stop the anger and pain. There is the hurt that why wasn't it me. I keep on questioning myself: why didn't he follow me around like a pathetic puppy dog, why didn't he look at me like that, why didn't he tweet that everything i do makes him happy??? Why why why? I could keep on asking but the reality of the situation is that I was too serious, too grown up and too intolerant of his stupidity.

I accept it and eventually I will stop being a bitch to the girl on twitter and when I see her (but really she is a child!). She is perfect for him. So moving on from that I realise I don't want to be with him and in all reality I don't want him even as a friend.

Man No 2

Eccentric man and I have been dating for the last few weeks. Well dating is stretching it a bit far. There have been no dates instigated by him, but yet we keep meeting and he still keeps on kissing me and looking at me in a way that makes me want to rip his clothes off and jump on him. He's accused me of being clingy but I don't feel that way with him. Yes I like his company and I still want to have that one long night of passionate sex with him which has been lacking the two times we have been together but clingy!? What is clingy anyway. The need to want to see someone and be in their company. Is that clingy? It's not like I call him or tweet him. He has said he wants me only for companionship and sex, but correct me if I am wrong but isn't that a dictionary definition of a relationship??

He's the one who asks me out all the time and then conveniently forgets to go through with the date. He has been childish as well chatting garbage about me. (I seem to be attracting these children right now. Maybe its the motherly nature in me.)

I've got a break from him for now but I'm not holding my breath for him to improve in persona when I see him again. Really I should run, run for the hills and not look back at his chiseled good looks...but he's like a drug I cannot resist.

Man No 3

My ex has been asking me out for weeks. I have been resisting and saying no or other circumstances have come up resulting in him not turning up. But we finally met when I was at my lowest point the other week. His kindness and tolerance of my pmt fuelled rants showed me what kind of man he could be. He wanted to be with me. No negativity, no nastiness. He loves me still. I could see it in his eyes and his touch. I saw him again the other night and we relived our time together but there was something missing from me.

I don't love him like I once did and there were things about him that irritated the shit out of me especially in the morning. But he talked about us and our future. On top of that all he has contacted me since and checks up on me all the time. Could he be the one. Should I accept him back in my life despite his flaws? Will he hurt me again? Of course he could. Our breakup was so nonsensical that even both parents couldn't understand it and talk him out of it.

Confusion is not the word to describe my mixed feelings on the guys about. For 1 I should do a Clark Gable and not give a damn and I will start from now, but then there is still 2 and 3. Do I pursue the man who has said he wants me for sex and fun or pursue the man who loves me and wants me in his life now.

Why is life never easy for me?

It's the final...conundrum

I have resigned myself to the fact that He is not interested now. Why should he be? After all, he said he didn’t want a relationship. He made me wait 3 weeks to see him after the first date and he got me. What more is there to have? Even if I act hardball now, which I’m trying really hard to do right now, the lack of messages, calls, tweets, anything, is a clear sign that he has had his fun and is now moving on. It hurts.

What adds more grief to this moment is that the last guy I was seeing is now having a proper relationship with what I can only describe as a “girl”. It’s pissing me off that this guy who I really liked dumped me and gave me “I don’t want a relationship with any woman” line and is now with this girl.

Guys say they like that I’m intelligent, sexy and all that but they don’t want me for the long term. They go for the silly little pathetic creatures that line this earth. So I have to ask what’s wrong with me? I know I can be too serious for my own good and I can’t be a silly little moron, but is that a bad thing? I am blunt, I am sexual, I am intelligent, but it freaks men out.

I always end up alone. It sounds pathetic but it’s true. I have to pick myself up, be strong and not show the hurt every day. It’s hard work but that’s the life I lead now.

I also figured out that guys love the strong looking me. However, when they are alone with me and see my eyes, they see that I actually have emotions flowing through these chocolate brown eyes. I’m not the cold hearted bitch seen in the daytime.

I don’t know if I can take the rejection anymore but I love the excitement of meeting a new man and flirting and getting to know him. I just don’t like the bit when they know nothing about me but presume they do and then run away.

How do I solve this conundrum? Be alone, or go through the maze of men to find someone decent?

Let's not play these games

The last few weeks have been filled with trepidation, longing, annoyance and unlimited patience. He was busy with his life and I was as well, but still wanted him to surprise me, seduce me and at least date me.

We met last night and he showed the same delicate touch as before. At the start of the night His lips brushed mine tenderly and his eyes, flashed wanting me, like a reflection of mine. But there was the game play that we had to contend with before we got to our destination.

He had already marked his territory via twitter a few days before when a guy flirted with me. This amused me. But what was more amusing was when said guy joined our group of friends for a night out. He was very close whenever, I was talking to guy.

Unfortunately, I had to contend with the green eyed monster in me when a notorious woman tried to make her moves on him. I try to act nonchalant with women hitting on men I date as I know I always seem to date the handsome casanovas in this world, but this woman had to be stopped. My explosion was fast and blunt but it had the desired effect. He moved next to me at the bar and kissed me. It is funny how that one gentle peck could set warning bells to others and reassure me of his commitment to me (for that night at least).

But why did we have to do this game play. Why did we feel we had to flirt with others? Was it to show we didn't need or want each other? The time we spent with them could have been spent with each other chatting, touching and exploring instead. We had already established I was spending the night with him and I even had my toothbrush in my bag! Why couldn't we enjoy those precious moments together?

Will these games continue and for how long? He has said he wants to see me again in two days time. I don't trust him after the last two times of asking me out then cancelling on me, so I am not putting my hopes up but I know I will be daydreaming nonetheless.

The other issue is now that I'm falling for him. His seductive charm and touch is grabbing a hold of me and not letting go. I have a feeling I am seducing him as well, but I don't think it is as powerful as his.

I am pessimistic this won't last but I should enjoy it while it does, games or no games.

That first kiss...

I don't remember it well, but I remember in the elevator I could feel the ache of wanting to hold and kiss him, I could feel him leaning and resisting to want to kiss me.. like to magnets at a certain distance not close enough to be glued to each other yet at a shivering distance shaking in anticipation of the attraction and what it may cause..

In the car, he approached me and held me and then gently, like a dream, his mouth drew my breath into him, the tenderest moment before the tiny gasp that tempts the tongues to dance a tango of love and lust. The headiness was a drunken stupor that I'd never experienced in youth from the real first kiss (which I barely remember) it was a tipsy feeling, the beginning of getting high, the eyes resist opening as if in knowledge of the real world staring right back at it, the heart not pumping but gliding at a melodic speed like an ice rink freshly swept.. before any skater laid their blades on it, creamy white... the ears hear nothing but the short breath intermittent with the butterfly kisses.

No it was not hunger nor thirst, it was a leisurely feeling of slow intoxication and wanting to lose oneself further in to this whirlwind highway to the stars.. his hands reach for my upper arms, my body was alert, he was expert enough to not reach for my nipples from the first kiss, my bod arched to him, aching for his nearness, I devoured his mouth and he mine, my hunger was from years of not feeling as alive as I did when he touched me.. I forgot that I can feel this way...I was dancing in my mind and in his arms, a dance of passion performed centuries ago as the tales were woven and the veils unfolded and the pants twisted...

I needed more kisses, I needed to catch up, I needed to tease him and turn him in to what he's turned me!! what I loved more was his amazing self control, that drove me further in to my drug-less state of the sublime...

He started a fairy tale of centuries ago

He didn't call that night, nor Blackberry Message me, he waited and SMS'd me the day after the next day... yes it felt that long.. I knew he really liked me, I was eager but had to wait.. we exchanged messages light banter till he finally said I want to see you tomorrow.

He then started weaving his spell..

He said" where have you been all my life? I've known you since you were the fairytale princess Shahrazade and I was Shariyar.. where have you been and why did it take you so long to reach me.."

we met and he was the perfect gentleman, looking long enough in my eyes, being very caring, choosing the dishes that I like, holding a silence in his eyes.. whilst they plunged deeply into my soul... my lenses hurt that night and I kept blinking..