Hope and failure

A man once said “life is like a box of chocolates. You don’t know what you are going to get”. With men you know what you are going to get.

You know you are going to get excited when you see them and daydream incessantly about them.
You know they will ask you on a date and then not arrange anything on said day.
You know they are going to use that line “I’m not looking for a relationship right now”.
You know they are going to hurt you eventually.
You know you all the above and will fall for it hook line and sinker every single time.

My problem is that I don’t want to go back to being disillusioned and cynical like I was in my twenties, but each time I meet a new guy my hopes skyrocket and then reality comes crashing down to earth in a very short space of time. I was happier being cynical than being the clown which I have now become.

How do you find the balance between hope and failure without feeling like a pathetic idiot each week or month you meet a new man and go on a date?

This week met guy I had dated the week before. Hadn’t heard from him properly in the week since our date, but when we met he was charming, attentive and the kiss on the cheek was very close to my lips. The feelings of happiness overshadowed the lack of communication that week. If one of my friends had been having this moment, I would have said “snap out of it and ignore him”, but I couldn’t. I had to be near him like a honey bee to pollen. And then he touched me on my cheek. That one gentle touch reminded me of this tender side and all sensible parts of me dissolved. It dissolved even more when he kissed me on the lips. His delicate touch brushing my lips made me long for him even more than I had felt all week. He asked me out on another date for the next day and I immediately said yes. Of course, I would say yes to have the opportunity to be with him again.

He never called to confirm date plans. Just texted me to say he was busy.

Now I’m angry and resentful for opening up and allowing him near me; near enough to remember the smell of his skin and the feel of his lips. I keep on thinking why did I go near him, why did talk I him, why did I let him touch me???

There seems to be this need for guys to do this to me. I know I’m evocative, seductive and seem very strong, but inside I’m a crumbling mess. I want to be happy, I want to share myself with someone, I want to be open, but why do men take this as a sign to come and play with me and my emotions?

I said to myself before the last date that I wasn’t dating for a while and that I would have a rest from men. I forgot this decision the moment I got asked out. I need to be strong and resist the urge to say yes each time a guy gives me some attention. The attention is fleeting and the heartache is long lasting. I’ve now decided it is better to be alone (and lonely) than crushed each week.

Let’s see how long this lasts.