Falling Out of Love

It had hit me lately: I have grown up, a lot! I can, confidently, call myself an emotionally mature woman. Or am I not? I am mature enough to turn down a relationship because I cannot find happiness in it. I am mature enough to stop a tsunami of negativity heading towards me and foresee the aftermath before it happens. I have preferred being on my own than being with someone just for the sake of a relationship.

I always believed that there’s a fine line between falling in love with someone and falling in love with the relationship. However what my recent experience taught me is that if you don’t fall in love with the relationship, you’d inevitably fall OUT of love with the person.

The amount of courage it took me to realize that I’m not happy and something had to change, the number of conversations with myself I had in the car about it, the hours and hours of thinking and emotionally draining to find a solution for that sad relationship and at the end it was a crystal clear realization: I’m better off without him; I’m turning down a relationship and all the emotional and physical perks that come with it and choosing to be on my own having the ability and the freedom to dream of a better tomorrow.

Along with that revelation came a lot of decisions which made me closer to me! I understand myself better now and I can decide what I want from a relationship. Here are some, for your reference:

• Love should be given and not begged. Playing the victim in a relationship who is not getting the care and love he/she needs, is not going to get you anywhere. You shouldn’t beg to be loved, you’re loved for who you are.

• Fall in love with your best friend, or befriend your lover: depends on which phase comes first. And the key component to friendship is sharing. Not sharing your life with the one you love means he/she is not part of it. End of story.

• Not turning the other into a horrible nagging bitch is merely your responsibility.

I think one day, maybe soon, I’ll revisit this post and deny it’s me who claimed maturity. It will be the day when I fall in love again hoping not to fall out of it!

Kisses aren't contracts

"And you begin to learn
That kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of a woman
Not the grief of a child"

Veronica A. Shoffstall

Kisses are fascinating! we tend to crave them, need them, want them, nay perhaps even to some extremes expire, with or without them. What is the kiss of death, when a gorgeous Russian spy feels sympathy to the tortured soldier, kisses him and gives him that capsule where his misery may end.

or the kiss of life, a paramedic, pursing his lips to those of a passed out patient..

It's not those kisses that give me life or death.. It's the kiss when I feel the urge to bite, and then nibble, and when I gasp because of his kiss or a bite on a lower lip or chin, or neck or a tender perked up nipple..and then the kisses and nibbles to the waist or hip, you know that little mound of protrusion called the hip bone.

To be kissed by a good kisser is memorable, the moment when you separate and you cannot open your eyes, your legs hold you no more and just in case you are not so incapacitated, your head is spinning in a way a merry-go-round can't do.

He kissed me and I wanted to go on, not that it was amazing, but that it gave me life. I was, metaphorically, back! It is not arrogance but I do know the potent power of my kisses. whether it's delicate or rough, whether you bruise my lips with the force of your mouth, at times busting them, whether they swell because of the heat of the moment, the hour. It also includes the powerful flick of my tongue, whether to let it roam or lend it to be sucked, whether to be bitten or letting it wander across a cheek bone or rise to an ear lobe .. all those things that I may have forgotten.

So, when he asked for a kiss, I could not but obey.. and when I wanted more, he could not deny his desire, not by the kisses nor wanting to touch me, to feel my skin, nuzzle my hair and wrap his arm around my waist.

Though I crave it, enjoy it, want it, I have to say, nothing is more amazing than the kisses of love

For what is love if not when two souls meet through the taste and delight of a burning kiss from lips divine. What is a kiss?

Now there are a couple of more that I need to taste or perhaps they ache to taste my lips

The Confusing Threesome

3 men in my life and god what a frickin nightmare.

This is the update right now...

Man No 1
I have realised that the man I dated at the end of the year was the straw that broke the back. He made me snap. It was not him persay. It was just unfortunate that he was the one who was with me at that time. His selfishness, ego, childishness, wanting to not be in a relationship just made me snap. I fell for him more than I should have but you can't help when you go mental.

However, he is an idiot and when he talks above me and others I get severely irritated. But that doesn't stop my mind being jealous now that he is going with a new girl. He is besotted with her and its evident. They are good together. They are both children and they are both silly. I could never be like that and my head knows that but that doesn't stop the anger and pain. There is the hurt that why wasn't it me. I keep on questioning myself: why didn't he follow me around like a pathetic puppy dog, why didn't he look at me like that, why didn't he tweet that everything i do makes him happy??? Why why why? I could keep on asking but the reality of the situation is that I was too serious, too grown up and too intolerant of his stupidity.

I accept it and eventually I will stop being a bitch to the girl on twitter and when I see her (but really she is a child!). She is perfect for him. So moving on from that I realise I don't want to be with him and in all reality I don't want him even as a friend.

Man No 2

Eccentric man and I have been dating for the last few weeks. Well dating is stretching it a bit far. There have been no dates instigated by him, but yet we keep meeting and he still keeps on kissing me and looking at me in a way that makes me want to rip his clothes off and jump on him. He's accused me of being clingy but I don't feel that way with him. Yes I like his company and I still want to have that one long night of passionate sex with him which has been lacking the two times we have been together but clingy!? What is clingy anyway. The need to want to see someone and be in their company. Is that clingy? It's not like I call him or tweet him. He has said he wants me only for companionship and sex, but correct me if I am wrong but isn't that a dictionary definition of a relationship??

He's the one who asks me out all the time and then conveniently forgets to go through with the date. He has been childish as well chatting garbage about me. (I seem to be attracting these children right now. Maybe its the motherly nature in me.)

I've got a break from him for now but I'm not holding my breath for him to improve in persona when I see him again. Really I should run, run for the hills and not look back at his chiseled good looks...but he's like a drug I cannot resist.

Man No 3

My ex has been asking me out for weeks. I have been resisting and saying no or other circumstances have come up resulting in him not turning up. But we finally met when I was at my lowest point the other week. His kindness and tolerance of my pmt fuelled rants showed me what kind of man he could be. He wanted to be with me. No negativity, no nastiness. He loves me still. I could see it in his eyes and his touch. I saw him again the other night and we relived our time together but there was something missing from me.

I don't love him like I once did and there were things about him that irritated the shit out of me especially in the morning. But he talked about us and our future. On top of that all he has contacted me since and checks up on me all the time. Could he be the one. Should I accept him back in my life despite his flaws? Will he hurt me again? Of course he could. Our breakup was so nonsensical that even both parents couldn't understand it and talk him out of it.

Confusion is not the word to describe my mixed feelings on the guys about. For 1 I should do a Clark Gable and not give a damn and I will start from now, but then there is still 2 and 3. Do I pursue the man who has said he wants me for sex and fun or pursue the man who loves me and wants me in his life now.

Why is life never easy for me?

It's the final...conundrum

I have resigned myself to the fact that He is not interested now. Why should he be? After all, he said he didn’t want a relationship. He made me wait 3 weeks to see him after the first date and he got me. What more is there to have? Even if I act hardball now, which I’m trying really hard to do right now, the lack of messages, calls, tweets, anything, is a clear sign that he has had his fun and is now moving on. It hurts.

What adds more grief to this moment is that the last guy I was seeing is now having a proper relationship with what I can only describe as a “girl”. It’s pissing me off that this guy who I really liked dumped me and gave me “I don’t want a relationship with any woman” line and is now with this girl.

Guys say they like that I’m intelligent, sexy and all that but they don’t want me for the long term. They go for the silly little pathetic creatures that line this earth. So I have to ask what’s wrong with me? I know I can be too serious for my own good and I can’t be a silly little moron, but is that a bad thing? I am blunt, I am sexual, I am intelligent, but it freaks men out.

I always end up alone. It sounds pathetic but it’s true. I have to pick myself up, be strong and not show the hurt every day. It’s hard work but that’s the life I lead now.

I also figured out that guys love the strong looking me. However, when they are alone with me and see my eyes, they see that I actually have emotions flowing through these chocolate brown eyes. I’m not the cold hearted bitch seen in the daytime.

I don’t know if I can take the rejection anymore but I love the excitement of meeting a new man and flirting and getting to know him. I just don’t like the bit when they know nothing about me but presume they do and then run away.

How do I solve this conundrum? Be alone, or go through the maze of men to find someone decent?

Let's not play these games

The last few weeks have been filled with trepidation, longing, annoyance and unlimited patience. He was busy with his life and I was as well, but still wanted him to surprise me, seduce me and at least date me.

We met last night and he showed the same delicate touch as before. At the start of the night His lips brushed mine tenderly and his eyes, flashed wanting me, like a reflection of mine. But there was the game play that we had to contend with before we got to our destination.

He had already marked his territory via twitter a few days before when a guy flirted with me. This amused me. But what was more amusing was when said guy joined our group of friends for a night out. He was very close whenever, I was talking to guy.

Unfortunately, I had to contend with the green eyed monster in me when a notorious woman tried to make her moves on him. I try to act nonchalant with women hitting on men I date as I know I always seem to date the handsome casanovas in this world, but this woman had to be stopped. My explosion was fast and blunt but it had the desired effect. He moved next to me at the bar and kissed me. It is funny how that one gentle peck could set warning bells to others and reassure me of his commitment to me (for that night at least).

But why did we have to do this game play. Why did we feel we had to flirt with others? Was it to show we didn't need or want each other? The time we spent with them could have been spent with each other chatting, touching and exploring instead. We had already established I was spending the night with him and I even had my toothbrush in my bag! Why couldn't we enjoy those precious moments together?

Will these games continue and for how long? He has said he wants to see me again in two days time. I don't trust him after the last two times of asking me out then cancelling on me, so I am not putting my hopes up but I know I will be daydreaming nonetheless.

The other issue is now that I'm falling for him. His seductive charm and touch is grabbing a hold of me and not letting go. I have a feeling I am seducing him as well, but I don't think it is as powerful as his.

I am pessimistic this won't last but I should enjoy it while it does, games or no games.

That first kiss...

I don't remember it well, but I remember in the elevator I could feel the ache of wanting to hold and kiss him, I could feel him leaning and resisting to want to kiss me.. like to magnets at a certain distance not close enough to be glued to each other yet at a shivering distance shaking in anticipation of the attraction and what it may cause..

In the car, he approached me and held me and then gently, like a dream, his mouth drew my breath into him, the tenderest moment before the tiny gasp that tempts the tongues to dance a tango of love and lust. The headiness was a drunken stupor that I'd never experienced in youth from the real first kiss (which I barely remember) it was a tipsy feeling, the beginning of getting high, the eyes resist opening as if in knowledge of the real world staring right back at it, the heart not pumping but gliding at a melodic speed like an ice rink freshly swept.. before any skater laid their blades on it, creamy white... the ears hear nothing but the short breath intermittent with the butterfly kisses.

No it was not hunger nor thirst, it was a leisurely feeling of slow intoxication and wanting to lose oneself further in to this whirlwind highway to the stars.. his hands reach for my upper arms, my body was alert, he was expert enough to not reach for my nipples from the first kiss, my bod arched to him, aching for his nearness, I devoured his mouth and he mine, my hunger was from years of not feeling as alive as I did when he touched me.. I forgot that I can feel this way...I was dancing in my mind and in his arms, a dance of passion performed centuries ago as the tales were woven and the veils unfolded and the pants twisted...

I needed more kisses, I needed to catch up, I needed to tease him and turn him in to what he's turned me!! what I loved more was his amazing self control, that drove me further in to my drug-less state of the sublime...

He started a fairy tale of centuries ago

He didn't call that night, nor Blackberry Message me, he waited and SMS'd me the day after the next day... yes it felt that long.. I knew he really liked me, I was eager but had to wait.. we exchanged messages light banter till he finally said I want to see you tomorrow.

He then started weaving his spell..

He said" where have you been all my life? I've known you since you were the fairytale princess Shahrazade and I was Shariyar.. where have you been and why did it take you so long to reach me.."

we met and he was the perfect gentleman, looking long enough in my eyes, being very caring, choosing the dishes that I like, holding a silence in his eyes.. whilst they plunged deeply into my soul... my lenses hurt that night and I kept blinking..

Hope and failure

A man once said “life is like a box of chocolates. You don’t know what you are going to get”. With men you know what you are going to get.

You know you are going to get excited when you see them and daydream incessantly about them.
You know they will ask you on a date and then not arrange anything on said day.
You know they are going to use that line “I’m not looking for a relationship right now”.
You know they are going to hurt you eventually.
You know you all the above and will fall for it hook line and sinker every single time.

My problem is that I don’t want to go back to being disillusioned and cynical like I was in my twenties, but each time I meet a new guy my hopes skyrocket and then reality comes crashing down to earth in a very short space of time. I was happier being cynical than being the clown which I have now become.

How do you find the balance between hope and failure without feeling like a pathetic idiot each week or month you meet a new man and go on a date?

This week met guy I had dated the week before. Hadn’t heard from him properly in the week since our date, but when we met he was charming, attentive and the kiss on the cheek was very close to my lips. The feelings of happiness overshadowed the lack of communication that week. If one of my friends had been having this moment, I would have said “snap out of it and ignore him”, but I couldn’t. I had to be near him like a honey bee to pollen. And then he touched me on my cheek. That one gentle touch reminded me of this tender side and all sensible parts of me dissolved. It dissolved even more when he kissed me on the lips. His delicate touch brushing my lips made me long for him even more than I had felt all week. He asked me out on another date for the next day and I immediately said yes. Of course, I would say yes to have the opportunity to be with him again.

He never called to confirm date plans. Just texted me to say he was busy.

Now I’m angry and resentful for opening up and allowing him near me; near enough to remember the smell of his skin and the feel of his lips. I keep on thinking why did I go near him, why did talk I him, why did I let him touch me???

There seems to be this need for guys to do this to me. I know I’m evocative, seductive and seem very strong, but inside I’m a crumbling mess. I want to be happy, I want to share myself with someone, I want to be open, but why do men take this as a sign to come and play with me and my emotions?

I said to myself before the last date that I wasn’t dating for a while and that I would have a rest from men. I forgot this decision the moment I got asked out. I need to be strong and resist the urge to say yes each time a guy gives me some attention. The attention is fleeting and the heartache is long lasting. I’ve now decided it is better to be alone (and lonely) than crushed each week.

Let’s see how long this lasts.

To mutilate or not to mutilate ...that is the question.

The following keeps on happening when I meet men nowadays:

1. They are always younger than me.
2. They state immediately that they don't want a relationship, but then ask me out on a date.
3. They are all different and not tall dark and handsome (which was my standard before).
4. I end up spending the night with them (but not always reaching a home run).
5. I end up being their friend.

Why do I do this to myself? Is this the new form of self-mutilation?

I can confirm that if you do the above, guaranteed you will mutilate your heart and soul once again.

I know that I'm doing the above and yet I still keep on doing it. I met a guy. We flirted, we chatted, and we realised that we fancied each other. Just at the moment when the lightbulb flashed on for both of us, he told me he didn't want a relationship. Now he knows me and he knows that I am looking for a relationship so he wanted to make it clear to me which was fair enough and I respected him for that. But then he asked me out! I could have said no, but nope I had to say yes.

Admittedly, I fancied him, I was wondering what he was like underneath his clothes and I wanted to spend time with him alone away from the maddening crowd, but I should have said no. Instead I did the above 5 points and bam, suffered.

With self-mutilation I still have this (maybe misguided) belief that after all these dates and disasters that one of these guys will actually turn out to be the shining star instead of the rotten egg. Do I say no to all offers of dates to prevent my head being a mess afterwards, or do I keep on saying yes in the hope that maybe one day I will meet THE man?

Try a little tenderness

The thought that keeps on travelling around in my day dreaming head (other than why has he not called), is the image of him waking up in the middle of the night due to my restlessness. He didn’t complain that I had woken him up or that I had cold feet. He said nothing, but kissed my shoulder tenderly, wrapped himself around me and fell asleep again. I felt protected, safe and less of a pain in the butt.

In the morning, there is the usual expectation that the guy will wake up and not want to cuddle or kiss, especially when you are new next to him in his bed. I have seen the face of men wondering who the hell I am (one of those soul crushing moments). He surprised me with his tender kisses as a morning greeting and a continuation throughout the morning whilst we got ready to see the new day. Every so often he would stand in front of me, hold my face and kiss me.

Should I take the moment as a lucky respite from the cruel world of dating and move on, or can I dwell on them for longer. He has already been a typical man and informed me that he doesn’t want a relationship. I’m not the kind of lady who can try and convince Him that I am worth having a relationship with. I have tried before and failed. I don’t know how to play the dating game. All I know is how to be me.

There is a part of me inside this cold veneer that would love to have that tenderness more often in my life.

Put your hands up and your lips where I can see them!

There is much talk recently about the expats being caught kissing in public and the sexual text messages. OK insinuating circumstances and we mustn't take these expats cases to reflect our own lives but how do you date when you know you might be caught at any time by the police.

There has always been this view that we are living in a liberal country compared to places like Saudi Arabia, but with the hiring of a Saudi man to be the "Moral minister" last year are we destined to go the same way?

I have met couples who have walked down the streets of Satwa and Bur Dubai with their other half, been stopped by the police and asked if they are a couple. Of course these people being honest have said yes and ended up in jail for a few days. They are not doing anything immoral or indecent just walking down the streets, maybe looking for a bite to eat or just walking and chatting but they have been arrested!

How can you advertise yourself as a liberal free thinking city and then turn on expats who help build your economy for something like this? If they are half naked and humping on a beach, then yes these people should be put in jail and then kicked out of the country.

We are already subjected to guidelines now when we enter malls on how to dress appropriately (not that the Russians are taking the slight bit of notice to the posters). But what next? Guidelines on going out at night with members of the opposite sex. And what will happen if you go on a date?

It's a problem when you go on dates. You might not want to go back to his/your place after the first date to show you are a lady and not an easy shag but still want to kiss him. But you can't peck on the lips let alone have the first proper kiss in this town. You could get a lift home with your date and kiss him in the car, but if you are dating a local and its obvious from his number plate, for sure there will be cops following you to your house (trust me it has happened to me a few times).

So the next option is getting a taxi back to his place, but if your hormones are as wild as mine of course one thing is going to lead to another. Not a good start if you want this man to be more than a one night stand.

Then the next worry is leaving his place. There seems to be a new fad with men kicking the woman out of his pad after a few hours, as they want to have a good night’s sleep without you snuggling up to them. So you walk out at sunrise and try and get a taxi. Who knows if someone is watching you in your clubbing gear looking a bit dishevelled?

I could say that maybe we should go back to courting, but in the age of real time information via twitter and multiple phones to access anyone and everyone globally; can we really be expected to be patient when dating? Maybe it's the way to go though. No holding hands, no kissing, just good conversation, good wine, and a friendly wave goodbye after a wonderful date. It might mean he will call you back sooner...

Dating in another land

In a land with a melting pot of people you would think that it would be easy to find a man especially with a ratio of six men to one woman. There are men of all types and varieties for our delectable fancy, and if you choose not to be picky you can have a guy a night. But what do you do when you have morals, respect for yourself and are not stupidly stupid?

There are many issues we have to contend with when dating in this age of post SATC education. To be living here alone away from family and friends, means that I have to be independent and strong but it also puts a greater emphasis on the loneliness that is felt inside and the need to have someone in your life to share this strange city with.

The city is a transition city for many people. Friends come and go back to their land of origin, a new land or heaven/hell via the main highway. So you meet people who might be perfect and on the same wavelength, but don't want to commit due to the fear that they may leave at any time or that there are other women around the corner out there who are less intelligent but "easier" to date.

I've dated, I've loved and I am now at the stage in my life when I don't want to date someone new every month listen to them spout garbage classic such as "I don't want a relationship right now" or "it's not you it's me (they are usually right on that one") or whatever else they might come up with from FHM. I just want to have someone to snuggle up to after a long day, someone I can relate to, eat and drink with, laugh with and of course have copious amounts of naked time with but it seems to be a struggle to find that guy.

There seem to be more taxi lights on in this town, but like the taxis, the guys never stop. They just keep on moving.

A funky night in the old town...

as usual my friend Hazem asked me to join him at the usual place, with the usual faces around and the funky DJ playing sounds from our souls - spinning his virtual records on a display screen from his MAC ... Arabic and jazz, some blue modern olds and a few odds too.

I was, as usual, late.. I walked in remembering a couple of lines of spoken word from a long time ago:

"As she walked across

the St. Germaine

all dressed in white

she was wrapped so tight

and I swore I could kneel

between the arch

and heel

of her shoe.."

yes it was one of those nights where my confidence factor was quite high, for no reason at all, just a sense of nonchalance that gave me that unidentifiable arch in my back and rise of my breasts as Maya would so eloquently say... so I walked in smiled widely and made my apologies all around.

I sat myself closer to Hazem, next to him sat Marissa, next to her Hamid and next to him this person that I wasn't acquainted with... he smiled I thought: hmmm he will seem like an interesting prospect to have a delightful encounter with. I had no intention of being heart broken again. Either serious or not at all.

I thought, ok he's not bad looking, cute in a chubby way... I was not svelte, I would be what you would call Reubenesque-ly voluptuous. He seemed eagerly interested in me to the verge of asking me straight out for my number... I smiled.. the faeries and elves of nonchalance were smiling wider and actually grinning... the butterflies were tingling in my tummy causing an unexpected shiver to electrify my inner nerves connecting my whole being from where Venus had a mound named after her to aureoles of milky tea crowning the highest nerves of sensitivity..

I thought he will call that night

Cliché of a virgin wall

Should I really start first without my friend being here? I guess I could.. we will be sharing a lot of information and details from now onwards, well sharing it with whomever will read it.

As we sat chatting later in the afternoon at a cafe not so far away from some yet far from others we were sharing details.. well some are naughty.. but I'll let her tell you about that night.. it was sensually steamy.. Her words will certainly better describe it!

As for me.. well I will share some of my past glories as with time I have become more soft and therefore, more prone to being hurt much more frequently.. i may also share some slight escapades, feelings, sentiments and pure raw emotions and feelings or even frustrations.

I can start with 'him'. Lets call him Harith. Why Harith? well I love the name and it's quite typical to where my origins are from.. I am quite passionate about that far away fairy tale land and love it to death! So back to Harith... yes, he did break my heart... five months later and I can't seem to get him out of my mind.

The problem was that I believed him! it's easy! He'd said the magic words and voila! I was not eating out of the palms of his hands but gently nibbling his ears and placing delicate kisses on his forehead and delighting at the taste of his delightful mouth.. Yes his mouth was delightful in many ways! when he smirked and grinned, when he spoke but mostly when he kissed me the first time in his car, and then in the same elevator of the restaurant where he was dying to kiss me the time before, and many more times in his car and his apartment and.. the last time in a cold worn out hotel room where his lips touched mine longingly for the last time..

It all started in a funky restaurant in the old town...